WHAT ABOUTS

Where do I begin to tell in a chronological order the events that made me end up sick and in ICU

Where does this all start, with me reading between the lines, or when he was desperately wanting me to meet his girlfriend.  Tell me how do I relive this anguish without anxiety and panic attack, 

He cheated and changed it to a vision of a big family like a patchwork as he describes it

Do I retrieve all the emails dated 2013 about his big heart that has big space to love another woman. Why didn’t he tell me before proposing? Why am I told few years into the marriage? Emails while in India with Octavia, going to the botanical gardens in Claremont, saying he will not do an open marriage if I do not agree.

Do I talk about his friend from Botswana, do I talk about the flat he found for Octavia?

Do I mention that she had other boyfriends and managed to sleep with and that includes Fritz?  Women are rare to commit to casual sex, I was exposed sexually because of his sexual status with Octavia

Do I mention the phone calls that made me go into deep panic, do I mention a phone call while I waiting for Mika at horse riding in Hout Bay? He said I must agree so that we can all live together and happy. Do I also raise another discussion at restaurant in Hout bay while waiting for Milan was playing soccer? He said, he cannot afford to pay for two houses, meaning? I am always caught off guard and I cringe with anxiety knowing he is taking me to that dark place where I matter not, 

Do bring up another anniversary walk and this time he is talking about his friend Jan, who regrets leaving his African mistress who was pregnant at the time. Too many life shocks

Do I talk about our conversation over the phone while I was cooking dinner for the kids? He was telling me that Octavia was complaining about him leaving and she needs him to help with the new born baby

Do I talk about him telling me his plans with Octavia, chasing her and booking a getaway with her to make her be on his common ground. Telling me that nothing will go on if I am not part of it

Do I tell you how she became close and even became family eating dinners and breakfast with us

Do I tell you about an evening of torture listening to his vision and justification of being in another relationship 

Do I tell you about me finding out she lives with him in Joburg at the Sandton flat

Needless to say that her sister who is a sangoma cleansed his flat because I slept there? To also question whether she’s a real sangoma who couldn’t tell that I didn’t even came close to the apartment that weekend.

Do I mention the walk at Hawston beach, him telling me that the sangoma relative said I’m dangerous and had to cleansed the  apartment

Do I tell you about our first holiday to Greyton and him telling my son he cannot go on with Octavia because I don’t want an open relationship 

So I talk about me lying on my back recovering from my lower spine operation, he was already living or spending nights with this woman in Joburg

Or talk about our Bavaianskloof trip, again he said he stopped with her, told her I don’t want to be in a polygamy or polyamory relationship 

Do I talk about her witchcraft? Again where do I begin, me ending up in hospital or flying up from a dry place to hit the floor with my knee? Or when there was a black cat outside making weird sounds or the owl, or the massive spider that he himself was scared of?  

TO BE CONTINUED 💔