emotional battles during legal process

INTERNAL BATTLE WITH EMOTIONS IN MARRIAGE

It all started when I was aware that my estranged husband was cheating, but hold on actually a few months into my marriage I realised I should not have tied the knot with this man. I decided to not trust the inner voice and follow the societal norms, I am in and so just go with the flow until it hit me like a bomb. I felt shattered inside, humiliated and betrayed but most of all being principled one of us has broken the vow, do not commit adultery.

He started slow working on my mind so that it does not come out as being aggressive, he must be seen loving, kind and caring. He introduced me to polyamory and something I have never heard of in my life, I thought what is this? I started reading about it and told him I do not subscribe to this form of relationship, he is free to leave the marriage and he said if I do not want that he will not do it without me. I bought two books to read about this thing that is strange to me, I am conservative and modern too. To me this was polygamy and he denied it.

He works in Johannesburg during the week and is back home on Thursday night, then leaves on Monday morning. Gradually it changed to Friday to Sunday night. I did not listen to my gut feeling then, I battled with myself. Looking back he was actually living with this woman full time in Johannesburg unbeknown to me but both of them knew what they were doing.

This woman moved down to Cape Town to be closer to him, he introduced me to her and I liked her innocently not even sinister stuff going on crossed my mind. She became close to me and my children, to my family and she was in our space. The apartment she lives in was chosen by my then husband, I trusted him because we made a commitment in front of a priest, we took vows that I seem to be the only one who takes them seriously. He was assisting furnishing the apartment, taking stuff from the house without asking me. I realised when he was bringing down the bar fridge from the attic and asked where is he taking it and he said let’s borrow her girlfriend. She had dinner with us, celebrated birthdays with us, she’s deep and a covered narcissist with another narcissist my ex husband. How do you want everything that someone has when you don’t even know how the person got all that as she says. Neither of them know really that I have worked and been independent financially and otherwise. I have always loved fashion, I mean timeless pieces, elegant, smart, exquisite clothes. The same goes for my household stuff, from chairs to teaspoon. In her eyes this man has made me who she sees and she envies that for herself. She looked after my two children on my anniversary when my ex surprised me with a new wedding band because one was stolen. This ring was a bit thicker than the other one and engraved our names, he recommitted himself to our marriage and his love, knowing very well his girlfriend is at home watching our children. This is disgusting to me, how brave must one be to go to lengths of even sharing supper and good times with a family she intends to break. I was broken when I found out, I thought he takes me for granted. I slapped him hard more than twice, I hate people who lie to me and humiliate me to their benefit. He used me to achieve all he wanted and in the process I was dying inside. How do I deal with this, how do I tell my mother, who do I tell first, how do I handle this crap on my plate, the bastard thought he could come to SA from Germany and be a polygamist and get away with it. One day I am fine and go on with my normal life, not that I was oblivious, I did what I love most and he thought it’s a way to keep telling me that I must accept her girlfriend. This married man has been accepted by the girlfriend’s family, they know him and embrace him. Hell no, that would have not happened with my family. Then why did I decide to get married when my plan was to not get married at all. This man does not have morals, he was even telling me about the girlfriend’s step grandmother passing and he has to be there, wait what, you are expected to be there. I said if you go it’s finished between the two of us. I have had many episodes of breaking down and telling him to pack and leave. One time he said he doesn’t have anywhere to go, then I packed his clothes in boxes ready to be taken by cargo to the rented apartment he shares with the girlfriend.

This woman had to endure seeing me with a loving husband and beautiful children and hoped that eventually it will be her, she believes that mixed race children are smart, I was actually shocked by her thinking given that she is educated. She made sure she ends up with him exclusively and yes she has. Worse now is that her children’s first letters are the same as my children, they start with an M

They thought I would do as they have planned, and also they did things which were quiet weird especially for a west European German. They said to him they must cleansed a room because I slept at the flat, the sangoma sister cousin is the one who will be cleansing. I listened to all the crap and later said I was not even there, so what were they cleansing? If you are a spiritual or a good sangoma one can tell if someone was around or not. So the witches were working on him and because he thinks he knows it all he believed them when they said I am dangerous. By the way I pray, and I sometimes light candles while praying. To me nothing is impossible with God, it may be not now but He answers because He promised us that His Word will not return empty.

I have moments of flashbacks, and I will write according to what pops up at the time, it helps me to look at it again either with pain or relief that I am no longer with someone who has ill intentions about me and who really does not know me and has probably not have known me deep, my Soul.